Don't. For those of us who don't have that option, proceed with caution.
I'm kidding—sort of.
Many of us yearn for connection, wholeness, and stability, but even our closest relationships can feel strained these days. As the holiday season rolls around, you might feel anxious about spending time with family or your community of origin. Trust me—you're not alone in this.
The struggle is real when it comes to facing certain family members—whether blood relatives or not—who don’t support or accept who we're becoming and the stories we're trying to live. We might even be preparing to spend time with those who seem to outright reject us. In the U.S., we find ourselves in a time of division, insecurity, and disconnection—particularly among loved ones.
This can leave us feeling lost and isolated. We might find ourselves constantly on edge, struggling to interact honestly while also trying to keep the peace.
For me, getting together with people who don't accept the person I'm becoming often relates to race. Specifically, it's being with other white people who take issue with my commitment to end oppression in everyday interactions and relationships and my efforts to model loving relationships and accountability for my biracial children. When I get together with certain folks, I feel pressured to show up in ways that don't honor the voices and lived experiences of some of the people in my life.
It's a clash of values. When my non-negotiables—principles I hoped would be a given for those close to me—are casually dismissed, I stand firm. There's no debate when it comes to opposing barriers to equity and safety for our loved ones—we resist, period. For me, there's no room for discussion about my daily commitment to ensure that the lives of my black partner and biracial children are valued equally to mine and those of other white people. There are some things I simply cannot compromise on.
It's not politics or differences of opinion—it's about witnessing how the lives of people I love are impacted daily and recognizing the need for change. It's about more than just changing things for others—it's about transforming who I've been and addressing the ways I've contributed to or allowed inequity and oppression. I can't be that person anymore. Continuing down that path is not how I want my story to unfold.
We all grow and change through our relationships and experiences. Every time we interact with someone, including difficult family members, we have a chance to be a slightly different version of ourselves. How we choose to act in these moments doesn't just affect us. It can influence the people around us too.
Remember a time when someone said something that made you uncomfortable, and you decided to speak up instead of staying quiet. That small act of bravery might’ve made them rethink their words in the future.
Or recall when you decided to listen to someone's perspective when you wanted to argue. That moment of openness could have inspired the other person to be more receptive and understanding in later conversations.
Regardless of whether the other person changed, you showed up differently—and that changed you. It's not always easy, but it always has the chance to be meaningful.
As a former therapist, I've seen firsthand how common it is to feel anxious about family gatherings. Weddings, funerals, and events that bring together people we're connected to but not involved with daily can be significant sources of stress. In the last group therapy practice where I worked, appointment slots before Thanksgiving and Christmas were consistently full. If you're feeling stressed about upcoming gatherings, you're not alone.
From both personal experience and my time as a therapist, I've also discovered the value of having simple techniques at the ready for tough family moments. These strategies can help us slow down, cultivate curiosity, and approach situations with intention. They're like little life rafts in a sea of holiday chaos.
One practice is asking yourself "who" and "what" questions. For example, "Who is my community? Who supports the person I’m becoming?" or "What values am I standing for? What am I unwilling to compromise?" These kinds of questions can anchor us as we navigate encounters with people, places, and contexts that might work to uproot us.
Another helpful approach is to consider the "how." When we're feeling pulled back to old norms and behaviors we've outgrown, we can ask ourselves, "How do I want to show up in this moment?" It's a gentle reminder that we have a choice in how we respond, even when situations become tense or people feel downright unbearable.
As we approach this holiday season, we can show up authentically, affirming who we're becoming and the stories we're crafting—even if those physically present can't fully appreciate us or our story.
Need a breather during family gatherings? Try this brief breathing exercise to reconnect with yourself and your values. Sneak away to the bathroom, your car, or a quiet corner for a moment of peace. Take a few deep breaths and reset.
Here's to navigating the holidays with grace and well-being!
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